Vampires Beware!

Sam White
Sam White's picture

Last week, a woman in Fruita, Colorado (official motto: “No, we’re not that frozen drink at Taco Bell”), was in a one car wreck caused by, she told authorities, a vampire. According to the woman—who didn’t want her identity published, for reasons I’m sure we can all understand—she was just driving home when suddenly there was a vampire, right in the middle of the road.

She did what any thinking, red-blooded (O+) American would do: slammed on the brakes, threw her car into reverse, and promptly drove it into a drainage ditch. When the police and her husband arrived at the scene shortly thereafter, they found no evidence of drugs, alcohol or vampires.

I, frankly, am worried. They say no one else has seen a vampire in that area (but they are curiously silent on other areas!) but that has to be because no one is paying attention ‘cause I’m seeing vampires everywhere! They’re at the movies all the time, now, and every network has as many vampire shows now as cop shows.

When, I wonder, will one of the networks present us with what we’re all waiting for: a show about vampire cops? There are a couple of ways they could go with this, both of equal merit. See, they could have a show about regular cops, except that they have to carry silver bullets because—oh, wait, that’s for werewolves, isn’t it? What they would need are cops that carry crosses and stakes (and wear garlic necklaces). The show could be about how they’re not only battling the blood-sucking parasites of society, but how they are also battling the ACLU for the right to carry a religious symbol in the line of duty … but I repeat myself.

The other way they could go with the show is to have a vampire as a policeman. He’d be real good at working the night shift, but he’d shrivel up and turn to dust if he got stuck doing overtime and the sun came up. He probably couldn’t work forensics, though, because all the grisly crime scenes would just make him thirsty.

There is another question that would need to be answered before these shows could go mainstream. At least, I think it needs to be answered, but as far as I know the current crop of vampire shows (which are popping up faster than Round-Up © can invent a cure) are conspicuously ignoring: how do you combat a vampire from a Jewish background? I’m thinking a crucifix is going to have no effect. And don’t get me started on Hindu vampires! (Mostly because I have no idea what I’d say about them.)

Finally, the main question I have about the Colorado woman is, “How did she know it was a vampire?” It used to be that vampires wore tuxedos and had a blood-red boutonnière stuck in their lapel and wore capes and talked with accents that sounded like someone from Hoboken trying to pretend he was from eastern Europe. But nowadays, the vampires I see on TV and in the movies act like every day is “Casual Friday” and I, for one, think this is a shame and I want to conclude with one last exhortation for you vampires out there: show some pride in your work!