RETROSPECULATIVE TV: Star Blazers: "Test Warp to Mars" (Season 1, Episode 4)

Bleeding Heart

Welcome to episode four. At least I think its episode four. The DVD does not do a good job of breaking up the episodes, they did not space the DVD by episode, they just put episodes 1 thru 5 together and then broke it up into four chapters, see my confusion, four does not go into five very well.

Back on planet Pluto with the Gamillons, which I think are a bunch of retired accountants, because these guys look like they have not talked to a woman in 500 earth years, but I guess that’s what happens when you are on Pluto. There’s a lot more action on the base in Uranus. Ha ha!! (I’m a professional stand-up comic, you gotta gimme that one.) The leaders on Pluto are getting some pressure from their leader Les Lock (I think that’s his name, I can’t really make it out and I am too tired to Wiki it).

The Gamillons launch an attack on the Argo. As the Gamillon ships are coming in we learn that in the future we still use the term UFO, because that’s how the Radar people announce the incoming attack. Now we get our first look at the fighters. Wildstar and his crew of cool dudes are scrambled to their fighters to defend the ship from the attack.

Now the Gamillons timed their attack perfect, because the Argo is about to make its first Space Warp. While the Argo is prepping for the space warp it has no defenses. So they send out the Black Tigers, the group of elite fighter pilots headed up by Wildstar. This WIldstar is going to get all the chicks I can just tell. Pilots always do, just look at Goose on Top Gun!

So the Black Tigers make quick work of the Gamillon fighter ships. It makes me wonder how these guys became such a dominate force in the universe. There is one dramatic moment after the fight: Conroy, one of the pilots, suffers some damage to his ship and they have to crash land his ship into the docking bay. What ever happened to tractor beams? Well good old Conroy makes it, we can all sleep tonight.

Now let’s get to the meat of this episode, the Space Warp. Fire up the Wave Motion engine and let’s get this show on the road. This is a big moment for young Venture. If he makes one mistake in his calculations or whatever he is doing they will all die. And they all let him know it. No pressure, but if you screw this up Venture we all die. Cut to sweet pouring down Ventures face and the moment of truth is here.

3…2…1…HE DOES IT!

We are into the space warp, now this could have easily been a moment in the show when they “Jump the Shark” but I was too young to know or care what that meant because the space warp is like a bad acid trip. Crazy colors, Dinosaurs, and objects from history class floating around in a giant bowl of space soup. It’s a bit weird, and not as cool as when the Millennium Falcon hits the speed of light.

We warp all the way to Mars! That’s it, all this build up just to make it to Mars!

I know if this happened in the real world, it would be a feat of brilliance, but in the Sci-Fi world that’s nothing. We usually make it to at least another solar system, oh yeah and we find out that there is snow and clouds on Mars. This means that NASA has spent a lot of money trying to discover something we learned in an early 80’s cartoon. Government efficiency.

End Episode 362 days left.

Jamie Maxfield is a stand-up comic living in Salt Lake City Utah, father of six and fan of all things 80’s. Check him out on Facebook (, Youtube (, Twitter (, Myspace ( and coming soon his new website