Meet The GI Joe Support Staff

Republibot 3.0
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Duke: “You wanted to see me, General?”

General Hawk: “Actually, I sent for your replacement, Lt. Falcon, and he‘s already here…wait, aren’t you dead?“

Duke: “No, it was only a coma.”

Hawk: “Are you sure? I saw a snake eat your freakin’ heart!”

Duke: “Nope, I was saved by a voiceover and parental outrage at the death of Optimus Prime.”

Hawk: “Wow! Lucky Duck!”

Duke: “Don’t I know it! The writers had my idiot half-brother here taking over the team.

Falcon: “Hey! I’m right here, you know!”

Hawk: “You know, if the show had gone to a third season, he’d have been the main character, everyone answering to him, buying his toys, writing fanfic…”

Falcon: “But that’s all gonna’ still happen, right? I mean, I’m still in charge, right?”

Hawk: “Nah.”

Falcon: “But…oh come on! I’m a lieutenant! You’re gonna’ let a freakin’ First Sergeant run America’s entire antiterrorist defense?”

Duke: “It’s not really a big deal. Our fighter pilot, Ace, is a Captain, and he takes orders from me.”

Falcon: “What kind of freakin’ sense does that make?”

Hawk: “Not a lot, I’ll admit. Maybe ‘Duke‘ isn‘t a nickname, maybe he‘s like nobility or something?”

Falcon: “But we’re not a monarchy.”

Hawk: “Yeah, you’re right, that’s probably not it.”

Falcon: “So can I be in charge?”

Hawk: “No.”

Falcon: “Not even a little bit?”

Hawk: “No.”

Falcon: “Dammit!”

Duke: “Hey, watch the potty-mouth, soldier! And tell mom I said ‘hi.’ Anyway, General, what did you - eventually - want to see me for?”

Hawk: “Oh, I wanted to introduce you to the newest Joes! They’re all Real American Heroes!”

Duke: “Excellent, sir!”

Hawk: “First up, I’d like you to meet Whiteout.”

Duke: “Pleased to meet you, corporal. Cool name. What’s your specialty? Arctic warfare? I gotta’ tell ya’, our present guy - snow job - none of us can say his code name without laughing.”

Whiteout: “No, Sergeant, I get stains out.”

Duke: “What?”

Whiteout: “I’m a laundry specialist. I get stains out. I’m the best drycleaner you’ll ever meet.”

Duke: “Huh. You know, I never thought about that since my clothes always stay magically clean, no matter what iteration of the show I’m in, but now that you mention it, logically, there would have to be some staff who do things like that…”

Whiteout: “Absolutely! And this is my sidekick, Bleach…”

Duke: “Pleased to meet you.”

Bleach: “How do you do?”

Whiteout: “…and this is Starch.”

Duke: “Plea--”

Marion Kupinski: “Ah, dammit!”

Duke: “Hey, watch the potty mouth, soldier, and tell mom I said ‘hi.’”

Hawk: “No, Falcon already left.”

Duke: “Oh, yeah. So who are you, soldier?”

Marion Kupinski: “I’m Marion Kupinski. ‘Starch’ was gonna’ be my cool code name.”

Duke: “It’s really not all that cool.”

Starch: “See, I told you!”

Whiteout: “Shut up, Francis!”

Duke: “So what’s your specialty?”

Marion Kupinski: “I’m good with Potatoes.”

Duke: “Of course you are.”

Hawk: “Out of the line, son. Come back when you’ve got a code name.”

Marion Kupinski: “But I was up all night coming up with ‘Starch.’”

Duke: “And it sucks. “

Hawk: “Might I suggest ‘Tuber’ or ‘Taterhead?’”

Duke: “Those suck, too, sir.”

Hawk: “Oh, absolutely, but at least they’re funny. ’Starch’ is just gay.”

Starch: “Hey! I’m right here, you know, I can hear you guys!”

Duke: “Well of course you can, were just one person down from you in line.”

Starch: “It’s just kind of rude, is all…”

Hawk: “General. Don’t care. Moving on... Next up - I forget your name, who are you again, son?”

-eadpan: “My name is -eadpan.”

Duke: “Oooh! Deadpan! That’s a cool one! What are you, a stone-cold sniper type? Master of underhanded sarcasm?”

-eadpan: “No, not ’Deadpan,’ I said ’Bedpan.’”

Duke: “Ah.”

Bedpan: “I work with Doc and Lifeline…”

Duke: “Yeah, I know where this is going.”

Bedpan: “I clean up all the urine…”

Duke: “Ok, you can stop now.”

Bedpan: “From the infirmary. It’s an important job. Anyway, wanna’ shake?”

Duke: “You know, I’ve…uh…got something on my hand..and…need to wash ‘em. I can’t really.”

Hawk: “This here is Plunger.”

Duke: “Don’t tell me: plumbing specialist?”

Hawk: “And how! We haven’t had one until now, and Cobra’s really had a major advantage with their guy, ‘Drain Snake.’”

Duke: “Moving on. Who are you?”

Scrambler: “I’m the Scrambler.”

Duke: “Let’s just cut to the chase: I say ‘cool name’ and then speculate as to your specialty, and then you tell me something ridiculous. So just tell me what you do so I can get out of here, and get back to spying on my girlfriend. I think she’s making out with that disfigured ninja dude.”

Scrambler: “You mean Snake Eyes? What kind of name is that for a guy who *isn’t* a member of Cobra?”

Duke: “I know, right? That’s what I’ve been wondering. And how come *their* Ninja wears white, while ours wears black? I mean, if they’re the bad guys..”

Scrambler: “Exactly! So you want me to follow through on the gag?”

Duke: “Sure, why not. ‘So what’s your specialty? Cryptography? Communications?’”

Scrambler: “No, I’m part of the kitchen staff. I’m good with eggs.”

Duke: “Annnnd they’re off. Moving on. You are?”

Rainbow: “I’m rainbow. I’m the hippie Joe.”

Duke: “What? Oh, come on! General, what do we even need a hippie Joe for?”

Hawk: “Hell if I know. What do we need an astronaut for? But we’ve got one.”

Duke: “But sir…”

Rainbow: “Hey, you’ve got a freakin’ American Indian Mystic on the team with his own pet eagle, why can’t you have a hippie?”

Duke: [Blinks twice]

Hawk: “Over here, we have ‘Dancer’”

Duke: “Good lord, sir! Ishtar from Macross II wore more clothes! This isn't appropriate for a children's show! What’s she supposed to do, anyway?”

Dancer: “I run around and distract the Cobras.”

Duke: “Isn’t that Covergirl’s job?”

Hawk: “In theory, yes, I mean that’s why we hired a supermodel in the first place, but she refuses to disrobe in combat, and she’s *really* into her tank, you know? People continually confuse her with Scarlet anyway. Heck, you even did once, remember?”

Duke: “That wasn't me. That was a synthoid, actually. Anyway, let’s wrap this up. Republibot’s fingers are getting tired.”

Hawk: “Sure, sure. Let’s just get to the good ones…let’s see, ‘Urinal’ is probably redundant, ‘Kay Pee’ is kinda’ boring, oh, here we go: Cannonade.”

Duke: “Oh. Well, I know it’s gonna’ be disappointing, but at least I can’t immediately see where this one’s going. I’ll bite: ‘Cannonade, huh? What’s your specialty? Artillery?’”

Cannonade: “No sir, I’m your new chaplain.”

Duke: “Huh.”

Cannonade: “I said I’m…”

Duke: “No, I heard you, I just don’t get it.”

Cannonade: “Oh. ‘Cannon’ as in the official books of the Bible…”

Duke: “yeah?”

Cannonade: “And ‘aid’ as in ‘one who assists you with something.’”

Duke: [Long pause] “Well, it’s original, I’ll give you that. So, General, do we have a big closing gag for this bit, or can I just go home now and wait for the inevitable reboot?”

Hawk: “I got nothing. Head on home.”

Duke: “Thanks.”