"How Do You Solve A Problem Like Korea?"

Mama Fisi
Mama Fisi's picture

Well, it's that time of the year again: the bean counters (or is that rice counters?) in North Korea are going through the books and taking note of the budget deficit, so the Exalted Leader has to go out and rattle his saber in order to get the rest of the sane world to pony up some hush money and help him meet his shortfall. When the Gross Domestic Product of your country is terror, this is what you do.

Kim Jung Un's late and unlamented poppy, Kim Jung Il, He of the Really Bad Hair, had a little more finesse when he threatened his neighbors with immenent annihilation if he didn't get his payola; as the new kid on the block, Un no doubt feels he needs to really make an impression in his first outing as Shaker-Down In Chief.

I'm not sure how seriously we should be taking these threats. I, for one, would be really pissed off if he went and blew up Kauai, where the Pacific Missile Range Facility is trying to keep an eye on him. I'm sure a lot of other people would have things to say if he dropped his nukes a little closer to home, too. And of course, he doesn't seem to realize that firing just one missile at anything other than his own foot would pretty much assure that we would bury his pissante little nation under enough radioactive metal to finally make it glow at night when seen from space.

The other day, I saw a headline in the mainstream news that made me laugh--"How Do You Solve A Problem Like N. Korea?" Being a bit of a "Sound of Music" fan, I immediately got the reference, and challenged some of my more loopy friends to come up with lyrics to accompany the title.

I was not disappointed. To the tune of "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria," here's the song sent in by Lucius 2:

He shouts at me, says "kill yankees"
Rules Pyongyang from his chair
He chases supercritical Mass
And rants while people stare
His face is thick with pimples
He has nasty-looking hair
I even heard he wants to sink our Navy

He's always drinking Snapple
And his corpulence is real
He's quite afraid of everything
Except for every meal
I hate to have to say it
But I very firmly feel
Kim Jong Un is more dangerous than flabby

I'd like to say a word in his behalf
Kim Jong Un makes me laugh

What do you do with a looney like Kim Jong Un?
How do you keep his missiles on the ground?
How can we make this rogue state settle down soon?
Harsher trade sanctions! A bombing campaign! Bad clowns!

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell him
Many a thing he ought to understand
But how do you make him stay
And listen to all you say
How do you stop this crazy, chubby man?

Oh, what do you do with a looney like Kim Jong Un?
How do you put a ruler in a can?

When I watch him he's confused
Out of focus and bemused
And I never know exactly how I stand
Unpredictable as weather
Says he'll kill us all together
He's a boy-king! He's a demon! He's a ham!

He spouts bluster, beats his chest
Never gives us any rest
Then he cries and throws a tantrum like a girl
He is mental! He is wild!
He's a piddle! He's a child!
He's a headache! Where's my bagel?!
He's a churl!

And in case you need a reference: