Another "Smallville" review

Sam White
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Smallville Season 9, episode 1

This season is starting off with a confusing explosion of sight and noise. [Spoilers galore] It may well have been a spectacular episode, but I have the feeling that I may not know until I’ve seen more episodes.

You see, Lois is back—apparently from the future, but she doesn’t remember. She just woke up in an “L” train that soon began to careen off the tracks while she was being attacked by a beautiful ninja (nothing like starting the season off with a cat fight!) and she didn’t know why (why she was being attacked, why her hand was bandaged, why she was on a train and not in Tess’s office).

Clark, meanwhile, has re-lit the Fortress of Solitude and spends time between rescues of puny earthlings watching Kryptonian symbols swirl around his head while listening to one of the bad guys from “Superman 2” give him half-bits of wisdom as the voice of Jor-El. Jor-El (if that’s really who it is—and I have no reason to think it’s not other than a desire to start an internet rumor) wants Kal-El to give up all his human emotions and just become the Vulcan—I mean—Kryptonian he’s meant to be and fulfill some sort of density. Clark, however, is reluctant to let go of his friends (even though he’s more reluctant to admit it) and obsessed with learning to fly and so tries the Douglas Adams method of, “Throw yourself at the ground and miss."

Chloe, during all this, is missing Jimmy and trying to find all the other heroes she was supposed to lead as the Watchtower. She’s aided in this quest by some guy who works for the hard-to-find Oliver Queen and looks really familiar but I can’t figure out why.

Oliver, it seems, is thinking his whole turn as the Green Arrow was just a bad whim and is now teaming up in cage matches with Kip Dynamite. Just kidding—about the Kip part, he really is fighting cage matches. Lois discovers this just before the ninja woman kicks in a whole wall … only to be swept away to Kansas by “The Blur” aka “Clark” aka (spoiler warning) “Superman”. They kick each other around the Kent family barn for a while, during which Clark is surprised to learn the woman is a] from the future and 2] claims to be from Krypton. (This second revelation was put into doubt by her final spoken words, which would seem to indicate she was from Canada.)

Lastly, Tess Mercer (who I was sort of hoping had died in that last explosion) apparently allowed herself to be kidnapped and tortured by a cadre of off-world militants who dress and decorate like a cross between neo-nazis and the ROTC guys from my high school and are led by a guy named Zarta (wasn’t he the dude from “2”?) who may be either the worst villain in the history of the world, a freedom fighter leading the last remnants of his people, or … gosh, I have no idea where this sentence was going. Two observations: the actress who plays Tess was actually prettier with a black eye, for some reason; and all the scenes with these people and Tess pixilated, but I couldn’t tell whether that was for the show or just my antenna (‘cause it didn’t do that anywhere else in the show).

I enjoyed the show but couldn’t tell you what it was about—or if it was about anything at all. (Bring on next week!)