Movie reviews

SATURDAY MORNING B-MOVIE CRAPFEST: “Cosmos: War of the Planets” (1977)

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Unless you’re kind of dim, odds are you like a bad movie now and again. You know the kind I mean, a low-budget quickie from the fifties or sixties, with unfortunate special effects, a questionably-coherent screenplay, flat direction, chesty women, and even flatter acting. It’s fun. Everyone likes to zone out a bit now and again with a really good bad movie, and the appeal of such things isn’t lost on me.

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MOVIE REVIEW: “The Fabulous Baron Munchausen” (1962) AND “Baron Prasil” (1961)

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Ah, what a gloriously weird and beautiful film!

Mostly.

It’s got some issues, but it was far and away the strangest, most visually stunning film my local Monster Horror Chiller Theater showed when I was a kid. I hated it at the time, but it stuck with me, and for the last ten years or so I’ve been interested in checking it out. I only saw it once, around 1978, at Don Bennett’s house, while my folks were visiting. I was bored, so they shuffled me off and I half-dozed through the film. I was a more stolid, less interesting kid in those days.

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THE SATURDAY AFTERNOON B-MOVIE CRAPFEST: “Horror Express” (1972)

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Yeah, yeah, I know: It’s not Saturday. I decided a while ago to stop running content on weekends since no one ever reads it, and around the same time I started running these kinds of movie reviews as simply “B-Movie Crapfest,” but that just didn’t really roll of the mental tongue in the same psychologically sonorous way the longer name does, thus I’ve decided not to be constrained by an overly-literal reading of the concept.

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Pearl Harbor Review and Redux

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Directed by wunderkind director Michael Bay (Armageddon), from a screenplay by Randall Wallace (Braveheart), Pearl Harbor is three hours of soft focus, earth tones and high octane CGI. It is loosely based on the true story of a big battle and the lives of some little people. Sometime in the 1900's, which would be in the 20th century (I understand the math in that equation, but I still find it strange), there was a big war. This big war happened after an earlier big war, but before two smaller more politically incorrect wars (this of course does not include countless other wars that get little to no marketing attention from Hollywood).

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MOVIE REVIEW: “Robotech: The Movie” (1986)

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“Robotech” is a 1985 American series that is composed of three separate, unrelated early-eighties Japanese series. These were re-dubbed and slightly re-written to tie their narratives together into one epic multigenerational tale. It gets wildly derided by snotty fans of Anime, and deservedly so since it is, at root, a mutilation of original art, and kind of stupid as well.

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KLASSICS FOR KIDS: “Star Wars Episode VI :The Return of the Jedi” (1983)

The movie was very interesting, I thought. I really couldn’t point out all that many thing that I thought was very good or not terribly good. I think what little CGI there was in the movie could have been improved greatly. The movie was far better than Episode IV, but not as good as Episode V. On a scale of one to ten, I think I’d give it about a six.

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B-MOVIE CRAPFEST: “The Black Hole” (1979)

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Happy Armistice Day!

As you’ll probably notice, “The Saturday Afternoon B-Movie Crapfest” is now simply the “B-Movie Crapfest.” This is because producing seven days worth of material, plus current show reviews has frankly burned me out. So I’m doing this feature when possible, and it’ll run on weekdays now. Just so you’ll know.

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MOVIE REVIEW: “The Watchmen (Director‘s Cut)” (2009)

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Doctor Manhattan has the fakest looking penis ever.

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t *want* to see his junk. I don’t like that kind of thing. I think one of the reasons I never got into porn (Beyond the obvious ethical reasons) is that *even if* there are chicks around, you just can’t watch that kind of thing without seeing entirely too much of some dude’s wedding vegetables. That just always seemed kind of gay to me, in concept.

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MOVIE REVIEW: “Planet 51” (2009)

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I’ve got a bit of a reputation for giving unexpectedly positive reviews for movies that most everyone expected to be crap. This will not be one of those. Most everyone expected this movie to be crap, and crap it is. There are some redeeming qualities, but I’ll get to them in a bit:

PLAY BY PLAY

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CLASSICS FOR KIDS: “Star Wars, Episode V:The Empire Strikes Back” (1980)

[NOTE: This is a review by Republiboy, age 11, who’d never seen Empire Strikes Back before, and didn’t like Star Wars at all. Just for point of reference, his favorite SF movie of all time is "Babylon 5: A Call To Arms."]

I thought this movie was far better than the previous one. I liked C3PO a lot less, however, and Chewie was a lot less entertaining. I enjoyed the sequence on Hoth, I personally feel that was the best part. I really didn’t like any of the things that happened on Deggobah, and Yoda was rather annoying. But I must say, I really enjoyed the movie as a whole.

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